1 LiveBloggin' the ICW: Wally's Laws of Boating...

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Wally's Laws of Boating...

Hello all - been busy with working on an exciting project involving the ICW - details soon. In the meantime, in my minimal spare time, I came up with this... Wally’s Laws of Boating
1. Law of Below Decks Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee. The possibility of this occurring is greatest when you are trapped and unable to move in the engine room.
2. Bilge’s Law - Any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, when dropped will roll to the deepest and least accessible part of the bilge.
3. Law of Docking - The probability of being watched as you completely screw up while docking is directly proportional to how bad your docking is. A corollary to this law states that the worse the docking disaster, the more people will be watching. The inverse of this law dictates that no perfect docking shall ever have anyone in attendance to prove you actually did it.
4. Wake’s Law - The percentage possibility of being waked is increased by the size of the power boat coming up on you, and further increased by the narrowness of the channel.
5. Singlehanders’ Law - The likelihood of having another boat nearby increases directly with the desperateness of your need to piss over the side.
6. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone from your yacht club or marina increases dramatically when you are out on a PWC and going crazy with it.
7. Service Department Law - When you try to prove to a mechanic that a machine won't work, it will. Every time. The inverse of this law states that the likelihood of the machine’s again failing approaches 100% as you board the boat.
8. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
9. Law of the Anchorage - At any anchorage, the possibility of you getting a spot close in is inversely proportional to your boat’s draft. The possibility is further decreased by the imminence of bad weather and high winds.
10. The First Beer after Anchoring rule - As soon as you sit down to a cold drink after anchoring, your boat will begin to drag. This is especially true if you have shut down the engine.
11. The 3 am Law - the likelihood of your boat dragging anchor is greatest at 3 am
12. Rule of Thunder and Lightning - this law works in conjunction with the 3 am law and states that the odds of a major thunder and lightning storm occurring are greatest at 3 am if your boat is dragging anchor.
13. Murphy's Law of Proximity - If you and your loved one are the only boat in a beautiful, remote anchorage with a gorgeous sunset coming on, the possibility of a powerboat filled with noisy obnoxious teenagers and PWCs approaches 100%.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chance of your brand new and expensive smart phone landing on the deck and sliding overboard is directly correlated to the newness & cost of the phone.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. West Marine’s Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes in the West Marine fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A VHF will always be keyed open when you least expect it. A corollary to this law dictates that the dumber your remark, the greater the number of people you know will be listening.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.